The Ride -Rollercoaster of our time

Over that weekend you had a chance to meet a couple of homeless people hanging out in East London. Maybe you passed them on the street, not paying attention, maybe you didn't even notice them. So actually they were not exactly homeless. It was me and A., having a real time of our lives.

This idea of a total freedom, without being put under any limitation neither stuck between boundaries, to the extend of not accepting even the limits put by ourselves out of our own choice, has been alive in my mind as an unreachable perfection since I was grown enough to understand it. Moreover, I never liked school. I didn't like structures in general, remaining rather reluctant to any sort of organizations, institutions from church and government to student clubs and youth association. I always considered myself somehow antisocial, never feeling a need of belonging. When I grew up, graduated, got a job and learnt how to follow up all kinds of society's trends, from time to time all of a sudden I got an idea of quitting everything and just leaving. Still (I hope my bosses don't read it) I carry the picture of my mind- to go out of my office without a notice, leaving my desk, my purse, computer and mobile, to just leave. No matter where. When I was younger though, some of these thoughts could easily made me depressed, ensuring me that I am not really suitable for any place neither job and don't really belong to nowhere.

Almost two years ago, when we had an exceptionally severe winter and I created Monkey Seduction, A. and I liked to spend late evenings drinking cider and talking about, as A. always defined, 'people and their lives', which meant for us something we dettached from entirely. Once, taken by an impulse, he took his guitar and played a song. It was about being a cat, wandering and everywhere where you can be yourself. I referred to this as to his exclamation how imprisoned had he felt in London for all this time, but then he looked back at me with confusion.

- I wrote this song before- said he avoiding my gaze. I understood that belonging to everywhere means belonging to nowhere. I realized that my total freedom is not really an issue of belonging. My total freedom was indifferent: it didn't have a definition. And definition is a limitation, too.

Commitments- when you're too much of yourself

Recently I have been experiencing a feeling of excess. Excess of work, excess of obligations, excess of requirements towards myself and first of all, excess of commitments. But beside that there was another excess I underestimated before (out of other ones, which finally came to drive me crazy and made me emotionally exhausted)and which revealed itself all of a sudden to ruin my calm joy after slowing down: the excess of myself. I am definitely too much of myself in the most literal understanding of the subject: I exceeded my 'all right' weight for already four kilos. And unfortunately, this exceed is not the one you can get rid of just by slowing down.

In my adult life, I never let my insecurities to get on my head. Even in the moment of my life when I was definitely too big I tried to figure out my way not to go mad about my appearance. It might be heared to you as a shabby excuse but this time I just stopped feeling comfortable with myself. I felt sick. Not emotionally but literally, I felt my body condition was crap. The scary thought which crossed my mind was that it's not exactly ok, when at the age of twenty six you would never wear a bikini. I exceeded not only my favourite weight, but also my favourite self. I didn't even tell my mom ('It's all because you perceive your life as a line of tasks and commitments. Everybody would get crazy.') So I decided to make a new commitment: I will come back to my old shape by my 27th Birthday.

Discreet Friendship

 I met Bill some while ago. To be honest, I didn't really meet Bill- we were never oficially introduced, we didn't have any common friends and we never actually spoke. But somehow, I met Bill. Trough the social network. One day, I got a message from Bill politely asking me to get to know him better. Cautious, I replied, looking for I guess another curious story in my life. But soon I realized that 'getting to know better' meant for Bill something completely different than I supposed.

 Bill's offer was totally honest, to appreciate this honesty, and his manner appeared to me as 'straight to the point': 'because who would refuse to the offer of 'caring and filled with deep emotions sex', including romantic sessions of massage, sharing 'sensuality of the moment' and then (my favourite part)- spiritual talk till twilight brings us back to reality. So who would refuse to such a great offer? Well, I did. As being a business person rather than 'candles and sunset' person I politely asked what I am going to have out of it. What's actually in it for me? So, Bill, you wanted everything: spirituality, intimacy, feelings, emotions, twilight, candles, maybe also a candy and a kiss on a forehead. And you offered for that nothing! Absolutely nothing, not even a flower! Oh, Bill, that is highly inappropriate!

Spotted in the sun

Recently I had a dream. I dreamed about a dog who was actually half French bulldog and half large king prawn. He liked to hang out on my head, which was quite problematic as his tail was always in front of my eye.

 There will never be enough of good reasons why is that so amazing to work on Brick Lane. But this thing has absolutely surpassed my most daring expectations. In the sun, for a moment I became the part of a creation. This picture I have taken with a miserable camera of my Blackberry captures the moment, when the time has really stopped.

There is No More Such a Land

 I  got a message from my mom while I was away and therefore read it with a small delay. It started- my brother's wife was in the hospital expecting their new-born any day soon. Small Tom was about to conquer the world.

 I haven't seen my brother since Christmas. To be frank we don't see each other often at all. Some time before I moved to London he had left the place where he used to be my best friend for several years. In my memory I see him always there, even though his life has moved ahead and I don't even know his hairstyle these days. 

 When I close my eyes I see a tiny flat on the top of a massive, old apartment. The gate was wide and always sinking in the darkness, which darkness I had to cross everytime to later keep turning and turning on the narrow, wooden stairs. I was passing the door on the first floor, which, according to the history of architecture, used to lead to the apartments of the best situated habitants. I had a habit to stop there and glare at this entrance, imagining a time of it's greatness, until there was nothing left to imagine. Right now it's just an old entrance, with a misery waiting on the high staircase for guests who are never to arrive. 

 My brother lived in Poznan. The place I used to call home. Still being the biggest mistery of my life, this city had always something sad and final. It was like an old best friend, who will always listen to you, always has time for you even you underestimate it and visit only when you have nothing else to do, whom you pass everyday not bothering to pay attention. Always there, never asking for more. I remember it standing in front of my eyes, covered with snow, with marble angels decorating old walls. Home. Now an illusion. Transformed by time. Abandoned. There is no more such a land, a land of my memories. Deep inside it, there is a deep dark hole made of pieces of feelings left by those who used to love this place, forever in pieces, forever in pain. 

All is full of love

 Whoever lives or ever lived in London knows that sun in London means more than anywhere else. Because is just less frequent. 

 Sun and love had turned back to London, after a long and severe winter. Just by this occasion, something I would like to share- a wall of love, forgotten and abandoned behind one of the corners of Shoreditch, unnoticed by pedestrians. Just there, a bit of a real love in the sun. Like the time stopped.

 On Via Argentina in the centre of Panama City there is a pub called Taberna 21, where Javier Medina Bernal used to sing regularly. Now famous, probably quite rarely visits old homes of his music. When I was a little girl I loved to listen to Julio Iglesias while swinging on my wooden swing hung in between the doors. It was just like this, a sun, a swing and world around me full of love. Just like this song, which makes me feel like a swinging girl once again, with a new Julio Iglesias in my ears- but be sincere- a bit more handsome. 

Shopper as an inevitable next stadium of the evolution

 - Do you know why Senorita Vargas eats so little? Because she makes shopping for so long that she forgets she was ever hungry at the meantime. 

- Oh come on- said Gene cutting the vegetables he was supposed to put on top of his pizza.- Our supermarket is a pretty big store.

 He placed the slices around the pizza bottom and carefully put his dinner dish in the oven.

 - Once I spent two weeks in the supermarket.

Something inside me just died.

 - Two weeks? Gene, are you serious?!

 - Yeah two weeks. You remember when I left my new shoes next to the cashiers. So, before once I left my computer there. Then I started to leave other things just because I found this place quite cozy. Finally I felt home and I spent there a bit by myself.

 If this story sounds unbelievable to you, estimate how much time do you usually spend in shops. And I bet you will get Gene's point. 

 I reached my awereness as a consumer one day while walking through the shopping centre near my home. I was passing this centre everyday with a great excuse- that is the shortest way to the tube station. Being real I am not sure if it actually IS the shortest way but I think I prefer to believe it. But this day was different than others: I stopped in front of a shop with cheap clothes (cheap but quite a good quality case somebody decides to be a tease) and slowly walked in. Many times before I had promised myself I wouldn't be stopping there, but there was always something stronger than that. I used to call it intuition- 'I came in and I saw these marvelous shoes for such a great price'; 'Look, so cheap, otherwise I would spend this money on booze or something more sinister'. On THIS day it was just the same- I hunted an amazing part of ankle booties and, incredibly happy, took a walk back home. Home, where it was meant for me to notice I had no more space for another pair of shoes. And that I didn't even remember them all.

 Overwhelmed by this discovery I posted a status on facebook saying: 'I went to work and came back with another pair of shoes. My life is out of my league.' First comments appeared in just two minutes. Slowly, my friends were coming out.

 'I just went to the dentist.. I don't know when I became an owner of a new hat.' 

 'Recently I went to buy cigarettes and came back with a leather jacket.' 

 'I left to buy more onions to cook a dinner- but I brought in two pairs of boots instead.' 

 I realized I was not alone. And that this time it was not about money. It was about something more important. About time.