Recently I have been experiencing a feeling of excess. Excess of work, excess of obligations, excess of requirements towards myself and first of all, excess of commitments. But beside that there was another excess I underestimated before (out of other ones, which finally came to drive me crazy and made me emotionally exhausted)and which revealed itself all of a sudden to ruin my calm joy after slowing down: the excess of myself. I am definitely too much of myself in the most literal understanding of the subject: I exceeded my 'all right' weight for already four kilos. And unfortunately, this exceed is not the one you can get rid of just by slowing down.
In my adult life, I never let my insecurities to get on my head. Even in the moment of my life when I was definitely too big I tried to figure out my way not to go mad about my appearance. It might be heared to you as a shabby excuse but this time I just stopped feeling comfortable with myself. I felt sick. Not emotionally but literally, I felt my body condition was crap. The scary thought which crossed my mind was that it's not exactly ok, when at the age of twenty six you would never wear a bikini. I exceeded not only my favourite weight, but also my favourite self. I didn't even tell my mom ('It's all because you perceive your life as a line of tasks and commitments. Everybody would get crazy.') So I decided to make a new commitment: I will come back to my old shape by my 27th Birthday.
I came back home on Thursday evening and A. was already waiting for me in the open doorway.
-Look who comes home just about the time for meatballs.
-Meatballs? -I took a look at perfectly round pieces of meat swinging in a grease.
-Yes -said A., carefully placing meatballs at the plates as I was struggling to open a bottle of dry cyder. Next to meatballs I noticed a silent presence of a big ciabatta.
-I'm on a diet -said I trying to make it sound as natural as my embarrassment allowed it.- I'd prefer to avoid bread.
-You want to avoid bread? -asked A., and nearly in the same moment I felt the fluffy apparition of a large ciabattan belly, trying to shut my mouth.
-Try to avoid bread now, try now!! -shouted A., keeping the corner of ciabatta on the corridor leading to my throat.-Try!!
That was the first evening of my new commitment. Didn't go that bad, even though I did not expect it can wake such strong emotions.
BIG CITY LUNCH
The next test was the most difficult, complex and requiring a lot of focus and strength: lunch break in the city. Putting defending tones on my mind I decided to bravely face the sweat and temptation, and take as much effort as it takes to win this battle. In order to make it happen, I hit to the Japanese bar. There UI can find my weapon number one: tempura prawn. As a description of a special skill this tool had a fresh taste of a seaside, was more or less related to the beach (in a relaxed undertanding of this asociation), was cheap, delicious and first of all- hot. Calories- 81. Acompanied by salmon nigiri (35 kcal.) and the box of peaches (comments useless) creates the perfect composition to construct a weapon against hunger and to consume on a random bench. What was my surprise when out of a paper cup jumped out a real prawn, yes I mean meant-to-be-alive one, with a prepared body and original head and tail. Smelled delicious. But also reminded me how I ruined my sister's engagement party by getting a panic attack after realizing that the shrimp's eye I was pulling was actually not pepper.
COMMITMENT
I am not stupid neither naive, I know that eating two pieces of chocolate instead of four is not going to do the job. I know I have to totally deconstruct my eating habits. Forget everything I thought I like, open to new tastes and possibilities, start spending my time the way I always thought I don't like, and even think in a different way. Might sounds exhausting to you. To me, sounds like a journey.
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