I do not believe in Christmas wishes posted on blogs for random people who may not even celebrate Christmas neither new year wishes for those who loved enough the old one. Personally, I liked 2012. And I'm happy the world is not over.
This year I am particularly struggling with resolutions. There is practically nothing new about it I wish to pursue, and nothing old which haven't already failed. But indeed, something has given me new thoughts on that. As I spent a winter home, in my old room, I found many of my previous resolutions. It was funny. Funny what I used to think I wanted. And thank God it never came true.
There are some, let's say, standard resolutions. Every year the same. Anybody ever planned to lose some weight? For me, it was always 3 kilos, no matter what was my actual weight. Quit smoking? Always worked for two months. Every year. Never more. (And I owe you the honesty that I have been smoking for three years only). Finally learn French (and I have been a good student- for the past ten years). Well, decisions are not my stronger sides. I drop everything as soon as it stops to bring me fun. But the idea to write this today was not about the resolutions. That would be too easy.
Clearing up my close I found a notebook. I have thousands of them, so at the beginning it didn't catch my attention. Just another notebook with old short stories I am not happy about anymore. But once I opened this one, I realized it has something else. Something which made me immediately need mr Frank.
MR FRANK IS HERE
I put the notebook on the table and I met mr Frank's seight.
-So, is IT what I think it is?- asked he, watching my face like he was preparing a ready analysis just based on the shape of my nose.
-Yes, Frank. This is a collection of my personal letters. Very personal. I wrote them to myself.
I don't know if you ever wrote any personal letter, but if so, then you know that the one written to yoursefl and for eyes only, has a specific meaning. It's an expectation. Expectation requiring, not making excuses nor exceptions, and sometimes very cruel. It makes you deserted by yourself in any case of failure.
I wrote my first letter to myself when I was twenty and it was not a very slender one. It was cheerful, but demanding, with an uneven rhythm like it was written in a hurry. I found it several years after and this annoyed me. This girl annoyed me. But this obvious discovery came to me now, after years- these girls in letters stopped being me. And I had doubts if I ever really met them.
What this girl age twenty wanted could never be a part of my life. It was actually the opposite of everything I might ever really wanted. But it was the second letter which made me thinking. The annoyed miss several-years-later:
Just now, while cleaning my room I found the list of dreams and plans, or rather expectations and demands. Today is exactly one year from this time. And this is me, which means you- in a future. In exactly eight days you will pass your exam.
I have several good news for you- do you want to hear that? First advice: visit your brother more often. Spend more time in his apartment. You will really miss this time and this place when he leaves the city.
Don't worry, you will get rid of your back pain. It will be coming back from time to time because of working too much in front of the computer, but it will temporary.
You will quit dancing, but not because of bad luck, but because of little time for that. There will be other things more efficient in your life than a diet. One day you will look in the mirror. And you will like yourself.
You will earn money giving private lessons as you had planned, but you will give up on this after one of your students fells in love with you.
You will get an another bank account, but it's not going to make you a millionaire.
You will write. Yes, you already have ideas, you just suffer from the lack of inspiration. But you know you can.
You finally learned Spanish. And you got your English certificate. Do you know that the same year you went to Barcelona?
You have to stop to fear. And you will see what you want.
And whatever happens over this year, remember to sign up for this festival. It will be a good idea.
- The annoyed girl reminds me of somebody- said mr Frank, smiling with a rare on his face sympathy.
- That one was the good one- I smiled back, reminding all of my New Years.
- Do you want to write them back?
- I don't know. I just know there will be no resolutions for this year.
Frank was still smiling, looking in my eyes.
- People do want things- said he, and I felt that this funny and unreal person has really become my friend.- They lose them, they are distressed, the get them and they decide they never wanted them for real. Because what is right for us, sometimes is simply not right for the future us.
- Banality- said I, smiling.- Let's end up here.
-Rabbit!- screamed my nephew showing me an old, forgotten drawing on the back of the notebook.
-Oh, it's a rabbit, so surreal!- shouted my friend Danielle, who just came in and clapped her hands with approval.
I looked around. Frank was gone.
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