If there is any girl reading me at the moment she will understand, that the thing which happened to me recently was the most terrible ever. I put on weight.
Being correct, I actually didn't gain that much, but my imagination gained at least three sizes. And you can say it right now: 'Monkey Seduction is not like that.' 'She has such a distance for herself that for sure she is size 18 and she loves it.' 'She will never post anything about diets and losing weight. She's just over it.' Unfortunately, you will be totally wrong. Once I realize that I cannot easily fit in size 6 anymore (European 34, US 2) my nightmare becomes a taking-over daydream. I am a woman.
This is even worse to be aware that there is plenty of modern women around, who don't crucify themselves for being 'too heavy' or 'not being as skinny as this girl on a cover of Perfect Housekeeping'.
- Exactly- said Miss Adorable eating her daily dose of chocolate with a content smile.- You worry too much. You will get wrinkles and grey hair and even being skinny won't save you.
After that she left the kitchen, swinging her exact Marilyn Monroe measurements on her pink high heels. Sadly I realized, that I cannot help myself. I felt like a baloon, if you blow I will fly above and never could save me from electricuting my mind with a hopeless spirits of models from 90's (mostly all dead already from anorexia). Someone said that being happy shouldn't be difficult for women. As a women you can always find some toys around you to play, or simply take a joy from your inner, woman self. So I recall the words of The Guy I Lived With ('Your BMI is still too low to apply for a flight attendant job so shut up and eat these croissant I brought you'.) and try to get over my teenage dream. And I don't compose this post because my therapist advised me to come out and fight my phobia, but because I know that I am not the only one.
Some time ago my best friend Patty (5'10'', 57 kilos) called me to share her happiness with me. She has a great apartment in a nice area and she is moving there with a fiance, a computing science professional and she has an amazing job she always dreamed about in an international corporation. Yes, you could all be already jelous if at the end she didn't state: 'If I could only lose 5 kilos I would be super happy'. Before you say she's crazy, look at your own life from the distance and answer the question 'Do you have an impression that mass media steale your happiness terrorizing you with SKINNY PERFECTION?' Question accurate, especially if you live in Eastern Europe.
Couple of months ago this 'beauty' chase haunted me quite seriously. (That was a time when I wanted rather to gain that lose on weight- 'Your BMI...blablabla'.) I got involved in a project of changing the beauty pattern: A Plus Size Fashion Week in the skinniest country in the world: Poland. From my own experience I knew that in Central and Eastern Europe people need it more than anywhere else. For some of my Polish friends size 2 means fat. Because it's +0. The moment was perfect. In UK billboards where showing real women advertising lingerie, manequins in luxury stores came in bigger sizes. In London leading designers wanted to get involved and show their amazing pret-a-porter to Central European fiercely real women. But sponsors withdrew stating the reason as 'there is no market in Poland', 'this is a high risk project' and finally 'Plus Size will simply never be a target of Polish leading fashion companies'. Nobody's Plus Size on a TV. Fashion bloggers are not Plus Size. Plus Size, of course, is not an attribute of a model. Is it?
Caught in Monkey Seduction, I suddenly feel good with my curves, a bit too sad that I will never make any shopping in Poland as clearly I am 'not a target'. Once Patty asked is it better to be plump and pretty or skinny and ugly she answered: 'Skinny and ugly. At least in this city.'
- Tell me one thing Paolo- I asked my dear friend Paolo O. Martin commonly known as Paul Portier.- All of the species go in sizes. When it comes to cats, there are tigers and small cats. If it comes to dogs, there are labradors and chihuahuas. Why can't we accept that people are just the same case?
- You're right- answered Paolo finishing his daily portion of cereals.- Everybody has their natural properties. Like Floffy is this kind of a running dog, tall and slim. And Miss Adorable is just like my dog. A golden retriever.
He looked at me, smiled and said: -You see, you are not bigger or smaller than anybody. You are just a german shepherd. Maybe a bit smaller one.
I smiled back and said: -You could be a german shepherd as well I guess. But you would be maybe a bit more hairy kind.
-Yes I agree- Paolo O. Martin gave me a big smile and he put out of the closet a piece of chocolate he was supposed to never eat.- It's nice to think this way.
We sailed away in a taste of chocolate, clearing around minds of irrelevant patterns forever. Than Paolo O. Martin swallowed a piece of chocolate and said: - And The Guy You Lived With would be a big, sweaty, chuggy Saint Bernard dog.
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