Walking in my shoes

 Alonso liked when I was changing my shoes. There were two full drawers in my room, encouraging to pick one pair, according to the standard of the moment. There were several sets of high heels, inviting to pair them with the right dress, with a matching brooch or a necklace. Some ballerinas able to tell the beginning and the end of spring, and an endless crowd of boots and booties. They were my favourite, playing with the spots of the weather, they were a dress themselves, and a coat, and a warm pillow for the cold, windy mornings, calmly sufficient in their highness. But Alonso never asked me which ones were my favourite. He himself had only one pair of shoes of his own. 

 I was choosing them every morning with care. Polished and smart, but are they matching this fancy cheese you got me today for breakfast? Is it appropriate, is it right, does it suit the story you wrote for me today? Am I a lover or a mother, or a sister full of compassion and understanding, always understanding, cause that was a part of the deal to always understand.

 These days my distinguished high heels remained mostly locked up in a drawer, too uncomfortable, so in contrary to comfort. It is awful to live out of comfort, as you said, not having a stable job, an own flat, and how on Earth can people decide to live without a car. I have a bike, said I. My cycling shoes, sleeping in the upper drawer. You wanted to give me a helmet.

 My ankle booties, dark suede, not very suitable for the vegan pizza you ordered, no cheese, full of lettuce. I'm trying to hide my feet under the chair.

 It was problematic having picked a wrong pair of shoes. It was making me feel for my poor Alonso as it was pushing us both out of ordeal. That's the way it was meant to be- challenging! Just as challenging it can be to anticipate the theme of tonight's show. You see, it was the most difficult to choose the right shoes for the night. One needed to carefully listen to the previously provided instructions, spread into parts of suggestions and marmours, several glances outside of the window. It had to do with accuracy and most valued discretion, simply to never, ever, reveal the rules of the game. It could have become really problematic to Alonso if I suddenly came out of my role. Because it could lead, at the very end, to him, to have to take his shoes off as well. It was something I couldn't allow to happen. 

- Let's go to Amsterdam! Let's go to Victoria and then we can catch the next coach. It takes only couple of hours, we can sleep on the way. 

 In these moments he always said he didn't understand. It was the result of wearing the wrong shoes, that's why it was so important, his eyes were letting me know, it mattered just so much to pick them carefully. According to these shoes we could plan our life, expected at the train station at the right time with the estimated amount of luggage, with the hair perfectly cut and stylised. This future couldn't stand a whisper. 

 In the lower drawer was the place of rest for the shoes never meant to wear anymore. Amongst them, a set of sassy ballerinas, two coloured and embellished by a small detail, nicely lying next to each other on the bottom of the dust. These shoes were forbidden. They were the shoes of a girlfriend of another man. 

 There was another pair hidden deep in the corner. I was watching them sometimes from a distance. But it was me who was reluctant to take them out. These shoes were saying 'Adieu' and I didn't like goodbyes. The goodbye was not a part of the deal. It was not meant to be the part of the story. 

- Why don't we just find some nice place? Somewhere rather east or south, listen to the music or take some drugs or what so ever, start a day every morning with a tea by the window. 

- What do you mean? I didn't get it. 

 Today I was walking in my shoes. I passed a narrow, almost empty street and jumped over the uneven parts of the pavement. I didn't take them off when I came back home, to get a tea and stay indefinitely at my table. I didn't know if they suited the weather, or where they too warm for this temperature, too high to bring a comfort. No one would tell me to take these shoes off. They are for real.