'I am lonely, will anyone speak to me'- this is how, in 2004, a thread dubbed later 'the saddest one on the Internet' begun. Posted on a technical forum moviecodec.com, has since created a massive movement built on the unity of people who, in loneliness, turn to the Internet for help. But sadly reading the comments posted since that, coming from various users from all around the world, the question whether the development of the media cure loneliness seems doubtful.
There are several definitions trying to state what loneliness really is, but the most adequate seems to be the feeling of constant isolation. While it can be cause by lack of company or a sudden loss of a close person, the feeling of loneliness usually disentangles us from the surrounding environment. A person who develops a feeling of a constant loneliness experiences difficulty communicating, enjoying people's company or asking others for help when needed. The main problem is, loneliness is a spiral: the longer you cultivate it inside you, the more you immerse into it, until it is starting to be almost impossible to break through and simply emerge out of it.
The affliction of disentangling
While the chronic loneliness is perfectly curable, it is still a serious affection to a human mind. It can be a symptom, or a beginning, of a serious mental illness and leave a long-term damage to one's emotional life. To better understand chronic loneliness it is important to understand what does it actually do to one's life.
The main emotion developing while in loneliness is best described as inadequacy. A lonely person will often experience the feeling of being incompatible with their environment and people surrounding them, even if they remain close friends or family. They will often feel misunderstood and will unlikely share with others. Therefore, the lonely person will, surprisingly, stray from company rather than search for it, which can be perceived by others as a need of staying alone. The feeling of non-belonging is a serious issue able to affect a person's life in long-term. Feeling constantly inadequate, they will develop the belief that they bother people surrounding them, and might even lead to events that could confirm it. A person suffering from chronic loneliness might appear unreliable or careless, while in reality keeping promises or acting accordingly to the rules of human interaction becomes overwhelming for them. In effect, a chronically lonely person becomes socially disordered, what leads to their separation from the surrounding community, By the community, on the other hand, such behaviour might appear as a deliberate neglecting of the social bond, and even lead to the exclusion of a lonely person. Such an event, of course, will confirm the belief in their inadequacy and will push the person even deeper into a spiral of affliction and distress.
Chronic loneliness can lead to a severe depression as well as be a symptom of it already.
When your friend suffers from loneliness
What to do, or how to act, while dealing with a chronically lonely person is important for human relationships as well as for their mental health. But, many people simply cannot read the symptoms of a chronic loneliness. The answer is not ignorance though, but a belief shaped by society, according to which a person surrounded by good friends, and in general liked, we are usually reluctant to believe that indeed, deep inside, they feel utterly lonely. Here there are some signs that one of your friends has been affected by chronic loneliness:
They never ask
And if they do, these are usually stupid questions. They won't ask you to lend them five pounds because they forgot a wallet, a start immediately apologizing if you offer it. While asking you out, they will outline that they do not want to bother and they will completely adjust to your schedule, even if you know each others for years. Sometimes they will make up a stupid excuse about a reason for the meeting or calling, even if you used to go out for a pint every Tuesday. They will never openly ask for help, and even they used to be confined to you, now they will answer your worrying questions with simple: I am fine, don't worry.
All these might be symptoms that your friend started feeling inadequate. They won't ask you out because they feel their problems might be a burden to you, and because they have an unrealistic image of being irrelevant for others.
They keep busy
They will appear to be very busy and caught up in a cobweb of tasks (an especially dangerous signal, if the person doesn't work at the moment). Usually, they will continuously do the same thing. They will keep talking about some important documents to send, some things to amend and their to-do list will seem to be never ending. It is because for a person in chronic loneliness every task grows to enormous difficulty. If they often complain about a lack of time, and a thing they would usually complete within half an hours all of a sudden takes them a week, it is surely a warning sign.
They remain confined to one person only
This might appear in two kinds: the first one is getting close with a person they haven't seem for a while and who usually lives abroad. They can call this person up to several times per day, and there will be things destined for their ears only.
The second option is a person they used to hang out with, and on whom they now start suddenly clinging. A chosen friend will appear to be a centre of their life, and their opinion or acceptance will be crucial. If you hear 'I will have to ask Kate' for a seventh time during a common lunch, this is surely a warning signal.
They keep to themselves
They stop sharing their thoughts, activities or opinions. They get stuck with their computer and will never ever let you see what they are doing. Keeping to themselves is a dangerous symptom evolving from the feeling of inadequacy: everything they care about seems to them completely worthless and irrelevant to others and they do not want to be exposed to a negative judgement.
They become very active on social media
To the extend that they post stuff about their own emotions and dreams, pictures from the past or images expressing their need of an escape or a significant change. People suffering from chronic loneliness might use the opportunity to share while not getting personally confined. Also, social media give them a chance to create an illusion of a different life or a different reality, reality where their disturbed emotions do not have a voice. If you know your friends, you should be able to easily evaluate if what they publish isn't indeed a desperate scream for help.
They meet a lot of new people
And they appear to feel more comfortable with them than with people they know for years. A chronically lonely person lives in a constant fear of rejection. It is easier to be rejected by stranger than by close friend for whom they had developed deep sentiments. Which is why they share with them more easily, and they try to get intimate with them sooner than it usually happens. A person who remains chronically lonely will constantly search for a confirmation of their attractiveness as a company. Being accepted by a stranger is a perfect input for their confidence.
Sadly, as chronically lonely people tend to violate the rules of a social behaviour, to the new people they might come across as weird, emotionally disordered or even mentally ill.
They develop brand new interests
A long state of chronic loneliness often results in a poor self-esteem. Affected person might reject hobbies and interests which they used to define as 'their own' for finding them irrelevant and unattractive. Instead, they will dedicate themselves to new activities which might help them become a little bit of another person. New activities are also occasion to meet new people, who may (in the mind of a suffering person), cure their loneliness.
New hobby also can have a stimulating role for the brain: a lonely person is desperate for a feeling of joy, and engaging in a new activity of any kind is a guarantee of receiving at least a moment of satisfaction.
They renew contact with people they seemed to have forgotten about
There might be three reasons why chronically lonely people reach out to friends they have grown apart with, The first one comes from their poor self-esteem and a feeling of guilt: I am lonely because I neglected the relationship with X after they moved to another part of the world. Also, renewing a contact with a person who remains far away, or who had developed a separated life, does not require constant contact and therefore, following the rules of social interaction. It is also easier to meet with acceptance from people we used to be close with, but do not stay in touch anymore: they usually feel pleased out of being remembered.
There are no specified reason for which a person might fall into chronic loneliness. Often people affected by it deal for longer time with difficult circumstances which they believe they have to overcome on their own. They often consider themselves unsuccessful or even defeated and sometimes they are the ones who do the first step towards their separation.
Remaining in the state of chronic loneliness can lead to the total exclusion of a person from their natural environment and community. A person left without help and understanding will not 'shake up', but instead will get flushed down into the fall of distress, believing they are not important for anybody, and that everyone around them is indifferent to their fate.
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