Over that weekend you had a chance to meet a couple of homeless people hanging out in East London. Maybe you passed them on the street, not paying attention, maybe you didn't even notice them. So actually they were not exactly homeless. It was me and A., having a real time of our lives.
This idea of a total freedom, without being put under any limitation neither stuck between boundaries, to the extend of not accepting even the limits put by ourselves out of our own choice, has been alive in my mind as an unreachable perfection since I was grown enough to understand it. Moreover, I never liked school. I didn't like structures in general, remaining rather reluctant to any sort of organizations, institutions from church and government to student clubs and youth association. I always considered myself somehow antisocial, never feeling a need of belonging. When I grew up, graduated, got a job and learnt how to follow up all kinds of society's trends, from time to time all of a sudden I got an idea of quitting everything and just leaving. Still (I hope my bosses don't read it) I carry the picture of my mind- to go out of my office without a notice, leaving my desk, my purse, computer and mobile, to just leave. No matter where. When I was younger though, some of these thoughts could easily made me depressed, ensuring me that I am not really suitable for any place neither job and don't really belong to nowhere.
Almost two years ago, when we had an exceptionally severe winter and I created Monkey Seduction, A. and I liked to spend late evenings drinking cider and talking about, as A. always defined, 'people and their lives', which meant for us something we dettached from entirely. Once, taken by an impulse, he took his guitar and played a song. It was about being a cat, wandering and everywhere where you can be yourself. I referred to this as to his exclamation how imprisoned had he felt in London for all this time, but then he looked back at me with confusion.
- I wrote this song before- said he avoiding my gaze. I understood that belonging to everywhere means belonging to nowhere. I realized that my total freedom is not really an issue of belonging. My total freedom was indifferent: it didn't have a definition. And definition is a limitation, too.
